Blessed With Time

As you read, I had the foreboding feeling that we were not going to have a good day. I had no idea how right I was. Its crazy how being a mom instantly means you have insight where others dont. I did not however know just how bad it was going to get.

As I write this my baby is clinging to life by a thread in the next room. He is grey and lifeless and has a ventilator that is helping him breathe. I am so scared that I will never get to hold him again. He is not the baby I held last evening while he slept, nor is he even the one I woke up with this morning. This baby teeters on the edge between life with me and life with Jesus. He cant move, cant cry, cant open his eyes. I have no idea how it is possible to love someone so much that I have only known for a week. That said, you can imagine the anguish of the day.

It started when James and I came back to his room when they finished with his transfusion this morning. The plan was to go over the morning lab results with the doctor and make a plan for the day. Immediately, when we walked in the room we knew we were in trouble. Landons color had drained, his temp was low, his eyes half open (he hates the bright light and never opens his eyes unless it is dark), shallow pant-like breathing with small wimpers on every breath. My heart broke. The doctor came in and agreed and ordered some tests. Those tests sent things spiraling out of control.

That was 9:30 am. They started trying to figure out the cause of his obvious septic shock, his organs were shutting down starting with his heart. By 11:00 am I knew things were dire. They were desperately trying to regulate his ultra low blood pressure. I sent out an initial prayer request via text and fb on my phone, all the while watching helplessly as teams of doctors and nurses worked on Landon. Im not sure I will ever forget what it sounds like when they call a Code Blue on your child. James and I watched his heart stop..... the monitors flatline. I have never prayed like that before. There are no words for what that feels like and the eternity it lasted. Finally his heart beat, slow at first then steadily.

We stayed glued to the window. Sometimes they would let me go in for a few minutes to talk to him and touch him. Even in that state, walking toward his bed brought a smile to my face, I do love that little guy. Friends and family started arriving. It was great not to me alone, surrounded by hugs and smiles. It helped.

The nightmare began again sometime around 4pm. This time was sudden, his heart rate just plummeted in a few short seconds. I wasnt sure how a person is supposed to survive watching it, especially twice. Agony. Again the alarm went off, "Code Blue Neonatal 4" (4 is our room). Again the doctor did compressions while we prayed and cried out to God for mercy for our son, and again, slowly his heart started to beat on its own. At this point the doctors are skeptical that the meningitis is bacterial. It is looking more like viral. So that means poor little Landon has to fight it on his own, since there is no meds available for viruses. They are doing all they can to sustain his fragile little body but at this point only time will tell. We are taking this minute by minute, praying desperately for a miracle for Landon.

There are many unanswered questions about what is going on in that little body of his, it seems that most of them will remain a mystery since we have been here 4 days and have few more answers than when we started. I rest in Christ. It is for Him that we live, move and are. Psalm 119:49-51 Remember your word to your servant for you have given me hope. My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.

We love you Landon James, keep fighting little buddy.